Amag #5: Christianity

                Yesterday, I was invited by Aga’s friends to go to the Church with them. I was asking God to take me back, make me His disciple again, so I thought maybe this is God moving. So I joined them. The Church is in UN Avenue. It was an old cinema house which was transformed into a Church. I was surprised to see a lot of youth there. I’ve been to CCF, to Victory, and to other churches but this is the first time that I’ve seen a huge percentage of participants aged 16 to 25. It’s not a youth service. It’s open to all ages but about 97% of the attendees are youth.

While in the service, I was asking myself if these are real Christians. I’ve always believed that young people are the ones most vulnerable to sinning. We are the ones surrounded by temptations and most curious to try new and bad things. I’ve always believed that being a Christian, a true devoted Christian, is not suitable for teens or young adults. Based from experience, we are not yet geared up to leave our life behind for Jesus. There are just a lot of things to try and to learn from. It feels like life won’t be complete without letting ourselves be exposed and open to all things.

Maybe that’s what’s keeping me from giving my life back to Christ. I’ve been very devoted to Him before and I was happy during those times, but a part of me wants to try things. A part of me wants to break free from all of the restrictions of God’s Word. I understand that these boundaries are for my own sake and that these are made not to harm me, but to give me an enjoyable life. Yet sometimes, I also feel the urge to put myself in danger.

I know I am bad. I’m unworthy of any calling, grace, blessing, or anything that God would give me. On the other hand, I still need a God during this time of carefreeness and carelessness. I still need someone to praise for the good things that I’ve been experiencing, someone to ask forgiveness to whenever I know I did something wrong, someone to talk to and beg for grace whenever I encounter something that I can’t do on my own.

I still want and need God. I’ll always will. I just can’t devote my life to Him yet. I know it is unfair for Him. One thing is for sure though; I’ll go back to only Him when I’m ready. And so this is my prayer, “God please make me ready. Please make me want only You in my life. Make my life be more of You and less of me. Forgive me if I can’t give up things in my life now yet. But please don’t give up on me. Make my life a journey that leads to only You."

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UPDATE: I am still not a Christian. I tried going back to Church, but after some time I just stop. I go back again, and then stop all of a sudden. It's a cycle. I am getting exposed to a lot of things, a lot of ideals and it's making me question the truth of Christian's God. I mean, Jesus Christ and God the Father could exist. But I question if they really are the true God that should be worshipped. Oh, I'm bad. Really bad. This is blasphemy. I am just so confused right now. Deep in my heart, I want to go back to Church. Sometimes though, I question my intent. Sometimes I feel like I just want to go back in order to belong. In order to have people around me.

Amag #2: Unsent Break-up Letter

We met again today. It’s the same strange feeling. How can we be this close yet so far? We’ve spent more than a couple of years together but we’re still strangers to each other. I can’t be myself to you because I know you don’t like the real me. Yes, maybe you accept me. But it’s different from being appreciated for who I am. I like you. I just don’t like how you treat me. I would’ve understood if I’m just your friend. But it’s different. I’m expecting more from you. And I have the right to do so. It’s harder when we’re with other couples. I could see how they treat each other. How they look at each other and understand each other without words. Then I look at you, and I look at me. There’s no us. Have we been like this ever since? Will we be like this forever? I am aware that that is the real you. You’re not sweet. You’re not showy. I don’t have any problem with that, I swear. The problem is, I don’t think I want to be with that kind of guy forever. I need something else in a relationship, something that is not yours. It’s neither your fault nor mine. We’re just two magnets with the same poles. We’re repelling each other. Of course I’m not sure if I want to live without you. Worse, if I can. I love your friends, your family, and your wit. The thing is, I think I NEED to live without you. We need to let ourselves find the person who fits well in our lives. It’s hard. Especially after we’ve shared so much of our lives to each other, and believed that we may be the one for each other. At least I believed in that. See, I can’t even confidently declare that you love me and you want me to be with you for the rest of your life. You can say that it’s just all in my head. That I’m making up dramatic scenes derived from whatever cheap teleseryes I watch. But you know, I will not feel this way if you’re making me feel otherwise. I’m sorry if I’m not that self-assured woman that can understand your apathy. I need a constant assurance that you love me and want me in your life; an appreciation for who I am; GROWTH. That’s what we’re missing. We’re not helping each other grow. We’ve been together for two and a half years and we still haven’t inspired or pushed each other to be the best individuals that we can be. Yes, growth is what’s missing. And if I can’t have it with you, then I think I’ll need to find it on my own. Who knows? Maybe without me, you can find yours too. 

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UPDATE: We're still together up to now. And... we're now growing together. We still have some issues. I to him, he to me. But we're hanging in there.

She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

She's lonely. That sickening feeling that you get when you eat something soiled? That's nothing compared to what she feels. She's just there. Not alone. But definitely lonely. She's with tons of people. Laughing, dancing, crazy. But she's far, far away.

She wants to be with him. To ease the loneliness away. But will he cure her? Or is his absence just an excuse for feeling this way? An excuse for something unexplainable. Because even when he's there, Mr. Loneliness still creeps in.

And it's terrifying. It's terrifying to know that no person can save her from the fangs of loneliness. It's ugly. She's ugly. And lonely.