Yesterday,
I was invited by Aga’s friends to go to the Church with them. I was asking God
to take me back, make me His disciple again, so I thought maybe this is God
moving. So I joined them. The Church is in UN Avenue. It was an old cinema
house which was transformed into a Church. I was surprised to see a lot of
youth there. I’ve been to CCF, to Victory, and to other churches but this is
the first time that I’ve seen a huge percentage of participants aged 16 to 25.
It’s not a youth service. It’s open to all ages but about 97% of the attendees
are youth.
While in the
service, I was asking myself if these are real Christians. I’ve always believed
that young people are the ones most vulnerable to sinning. We are the ones
surrounded by temptations and most curious to try new and bad things. I’ve
always believed that being a Christian, a true devoted Christian, is not
suitable for teens or young adults. Based from experience, we are not yet
geared up to leave our life behind for Jesus. There are just a lot of things to
try and to learn from. It feels like life won’t be complete without letting
ourselves be exposed and open to all things.
Maybe that’s
what’s keeping me from giving my life back to Christ. I’ve been very devoted to
Him before and I was happy during those times, but a part of me wants to try
things. A part of me wants to break free from all of the restrictions of God’s
Word. I understand that these boundaries are for my own sake and that these are
made not to harm me, but to give me an enjoyable life. Yet sometimes, I also
feel the urge to put myself in danger.
I know I am bad.
I’m unworthy of any calling, grace, blessing, or anything that God would give
me. On the other hand, I still need a God during this time of carefreeness and
carelessness. I still need someone to praise for the good things that I’ve been
experiencing, someone to ask forgiveness to whenever I know I did something
wrong, someone to talk to and beg for grace whenever I encounter something that
I can’t do on my own.
I still want and
need God. I’ll always will. I just can’t devote my life to Him yet. I know it
is unfair for Him. One thing is for sure though; I’ll go back to only Him when
I’m ready. And so this is my prayer, “God please make me ready. Please make me
want only You in my life. Make my life be more of You and less of me. Forgive
me if I can’t give up things in my life now yet. But please don’t give up on
me. Make my life a journey that leads to only You."
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UPDATE: I am still not a Christian. I tried going back to Church, but after some time I just stop. I go back again, and then stop all of a sudden. It's a cycle. I am getting exposed to a lot of things, a lot of ideals and it's making me question the truth of Christian's God. I mean, Jesus Christ and God the Father could exist. But I question if they really are the true God that should be worshipped. Oh, I'm bad. Really bad. This is blasphemy. I am just so confused right now. Deep in my heart, I want to go back to Church. Sometimes though, I question my intent. Sometimes I feel like I just want to go back in order to belong. In order to have people around me.
