Amag #5: Christianity

                Yesterday, I was invited by Aga’s friends to go to the Church with them. I was asking God to take me back, make me His disciple again, so I thought maybe this is God moving. So I joined them. The Church is in UN Avenue. It was an old cinema house which was transformed into a Church. I was surprised to see a lot of youth there. I’ve been to CCF, to Victory, and to other churches but this is the first time that I’ve seen a huge percentage of participants aged 16 to 25. It’s not a youth service. It’s open to all ages but about 97% of the attendees are youth.

While in the service, I was asking myself if these are real Christians. I’ve always believed that young people are the ones most vulnerable to sinning. We are the ones surrounded by temptations and most curious to try new and bad things. I’ve always believed that being a Christian, a true devoted Christian, is not suitable for teens or young adults. Based from experience, we are not yet geared up to leave our life behind for Jesus. There are just a lot of things to try and to learn from. It feels like life won’t be complete without letting ourselves be exposed and open to all things.

Maybe that’s what’s keeping me from giving my life back to Christ. I’ve been very devoted to Him before and I was happy during those times, but a part of me wants to try things. A part of me wants to break free from all of the restrictions of God’s Word. I understand that these boundaries are for my own sake and that these are made not to harm me, but to give me an enjoyable life. Yet sometimes, I also feel the urge to put myself in danger.

I know I am bad. I’m unworthy of any calling, grace, blessing, or anything that God would give me. On the other hand, I still need a God during this time of carefreeness and carelessness. I still need someone to praise for the good things that I’ve been experiencing, someone to ask forgiveness to whenever I know I did something wrong, someone to talk to and beg for grace whenever I encounter something that I can’t do on my own.

I still want and need God. I’ll always will. I just can’t devote my life to Him yet. I know it is unfair for Him. One thing is for sure though; I’ll go back to only Him when I’m ready. And so this is my prayer, “God please make me ready. Please make me want only You in my life. Make my life be more of You and less of me. Forgive me if I can’t give up things in my life now yet. But please don’t give up on me. Make my life a journey that leads to only You."

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UPDATE: I am still not a Christian. I tried going back to Church, but after some time I just stop. I go back again, and then stop all of a sudden. It's a cycle. I am getting exposed to a lot of things, a lot of ideals and it's making me question the truth of Christian's God. I mean, Jesus Christ and God the Father could exist. But I question if they really are the true God that should be worshipped. Oh, I'm bad. Really bad. This is blasphemy. I am just so confused right now. Deep in my heart, I want to go back to Church. Sometimes though, I question my intent. Sometimes I feel like I just want to go back in order to belong. In order to have people around me.

Dumb Thoughts

Four years. FOUR FRIGGIN YEARS! Such a long time... But really, what was all that about?

Some people date for a year and instantly feel that they already want to marry each other, spend the rest of their life together, build a family, whatever teleserye-ish things.

Then, there's us. Four years and still it doesn't feel "right."

So, why stay/ed you ask? I dunno. Maybe because I was hoping. Am always hoping. That things will turn out right. That we WILL turn out to be the heroes of the teleserye and not just the extras whose stories you won't really get to follow through (cause it's boring and not romantic enough).

Maybe because I'm lonely and pathetic. Maybe I'm just desperate and so afraid to be alone. Maybe he, "us", has already become a habit. You see, there are just some things in life that you don't need/want/like anymore but you just can't let go. You're just used to seeing it there, lying lifeless in the corner. There's a certain comfort in knowing that it's there.

Maybe because I don't have a sane reason to end whatever we have. None of that third party stories, you and me against the world dramas, family feuds. Nothing. It's more of internal, you know. The kind of turmoil that goes unnoticed by everyone except you.

"You're just not my prince." The fuck. Whoever says that? WHO AM I TO SAY THAT? But really, don't I deserve to feel like a princess when with him? Have my right to be wooed by him been terminated ever since we had an agreement?

I'm a girl. I'm a cheesy-pussy. I believe the koreanovelas. I believe in romantic love. Not being the man who can give those to me, is that a reason to part ways with him? Or is that just a silly move an immature woman will do?


UPDATE: Or... well, maybe this IS love. Recognizing that there are A LOT of imperfect things going around in our relationship but still sticking with each other no matter what. In spite of all the craziness and sometimes boringness of it all, I still want to be with him.