Amag #2: Unsent Break-up Letter

We met again today. It’s the same strange feeling. How can we be this close yet so far? We’ve spent more than a couple of years together but we’re still strangers to each other. I can’t be myself to you because I know you don’t like the real me. Yes, maybe you accept me. But it’s different from being appreciated for who I am. I like you. I just don’t like how you treat me. I would’ve understood if I’m just your friend. But it’s different. I’m expecting more from you. And I have the right to do so. It’s harder when we’re with other couples. I could see how they treat each other. How they look at each other and understand each other without words. Then I look at you, and I look at me. There’s no us. Have we been like this ever since? Will we be like this forever? I am aware that that is the real you. You’re not sweet. You’re not showy. I don’t have any problem with that, I swear. The problem is, I don’t think I want to be with that kind of guy forever. I need something else in a relationship, something that is not yours. It’s neither your fault nor mine. We’re just two magnets with the same poles. We’re repelling each other. Of course I’m not sure if I want to live without you. Worse, if I can. I love your friends, your family, and your wit. The thing is, I think I NEED to live without you. We need to let ourselves find the person who fits well in our lives. It’s hard. Especially after we’ve shared so much of our lives to each other, and believed that we may be the one for each other. At least I believed in that. See, I can’t even confidently declare that you love me and you want me to be with you for the rest of your life. You can say that it’s just all in my head. That I’m making up dramatic scenes derived from whatever cheap teleseryes I watch. But you know, I will not feel this way if you’re making me feel otherwise. I’m sorry if I’m not that self-assured woman that can understand your apathy. I need a constant assurance that you love me and want me in your life; an appreciation for who I am; GROWTH. That’s what we’re missing. We’re not helping each other grow. We’ve been together for two and a half years and we still haven’t inspired or pushed each other to be the best individuals that we can be. Yes, growth is what’s missing. And if I can’t have it with you, then I think I’ll need to find it on my own. Who knows? Maybe without me, you can find yours too. 

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UPDATE: We're still together up to now. And... we're now growing together. We still have some issues. I to him, he to me. But we're hanging in there.

Amag #1: HS Letters

as i scurried through my old documents to search for my high school diploma, i stumbled upon letters written by my friends in high school. these are heart-warming letters that came from people who i barely, others never, talk to nowadays. reading those makes me feel sad and sentimental. our letters talk about eternal friendship and now, we have all drifted apart. so apart that i cant even imagine now that we actually became that close. i already forgot the secrets that we promised not to forget. i already forgot that i was once the dependable, wise, conservative, caring and loving kind of person that they were describing in the letters. i dont remember them anymore in the favorite songs that we wrote. we said, whenever we hear those songs, we'll remember each other. heck, knowing that i liked those kinds of songs makes my stomach hurt from laughing.

six to ten years since high school, here i am. a whole lot different from who i used to be. the people, the dreams, the attitude, have all been washed up and replaced with new ones. some better, some worse. now, i surely will reflect upon the question "what/who/where will you be five years from now" in a different way. i always thought that five years is such a short time to be someone entirely different. i always thought that five years is a reasonable time to achieve what you have set to achieve. well, it looks like we cant really hold our life that long, or set our vision that far. but hey, that is just so pessimistic. i would still love to believe, and act for it to be real, that the change that will be me five years from now, will be for the best. no matter how different it will be.

I've written a bunch of randomness that has been stuck in my laptop for ages! I'll be posting them here to free up some space and will be called Amag. Inaamag na sa laptop.