Amag #5: Christianity

                Yesterday, I was invited by Aga’s friends to go to the Church with them. I was asking God to take me back, make me His disciple again, so I thought maybe this is God moving. So I joined them. The Church is in UN Avenue. It was an old cinema house which was transformed into a Church. I was surprised to see a lot of youth there. I’ve been to CCF, to Victory, and to other churches but this is the first time that I’ve seen a huge percentage of participants aged 16 to 25. It’s not a youth service. It’s open to all ages but about 97% of the attendees are youth.

While in the service, I was asking myself if these are real Christians. I’ve always believed that young people are the ones most vulnerable to sinning. We are the ones surrounded by temptations and most curious to try new and bad things. I’ve always believed that being a Christian, a true devoted Christian, is not suitable for teens or young adults. Based from experience, we are not yet geared up to leave our life behind for Jesus. There are just a lot of things to try and to learn from. It feels like life won’t be complete without letting ourselves be exposed and open to all things.

Maybe that’s what’s keeping me from giving my life back to Christ. I’ve been very devoted to Him before and I was happy during those times, but a part of me wants to try things. A part of me wants to break free from all of the restrictions of God’s Word. I understand that these boundaries are for my own sake and that these are made not to harm me, but to give me an enjoyable life. Yet sometimes, I also feel the urge to put myself in danger.

I know I am bad. I’m unworthy of any calling, grace, blessing, or anything that God would give me. On the other hand, I still need a God during this time of carefreeness and carelessness. I still need someone to praise for the good things that I’ve been experiencing, someone to ask forgiveness to whenever I know I did something wrong, someone to talk to and beg for grace whenever I encounter something that I can’t do on my own.

I still want and need God. I’ll always will. I just can’t devote my life to Him yet. I know it is unfair for Him. One thing is for sure though; I’ll go back to only Him when I’m ready. And so this is my prayer, “God please make me ready. Please make me want only You in my life. Make my life be more of You and less of me. Forgive me if I can’t give up things in my life now yet. But please don’t give up on me. Make my life a journey that leads to only You."

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UPDATE: I am still not a Christian. I tried going back to Church, but after some time I just stop. I go back again, and then stop all of a sudden. It's a cycle. I am getting exposed to a lot of things, a lot of ideals and it's making me question the truth of Christian's God. I mean, Jesus Christ and God the Father could exist. But I question if they really are the true God that should be worshipped. Oh, I'm bad. Really bad. This is blasphemy. I am just so confused right now. Deep in my heart, I want to go back to Church. Sometimes though, I question my intent. Sometimes I feel like I just want to go back in order to belong. In order to have people around me.

Amag #4: One-winged butterfly

                Here I am again, being drawn in solitude by the four corners of my room. I see the filthy floor and feel disgusted by it but I’m too languid to make any move, much more to excrete perspiration by cleaning the surface. It could be because of the frazzling heat, or the fact that I’m all alone, that makes me cull the idea of any movement.

                Though some people rejoice in isolation and trust that it is vital in one’s life, I feel the opposite. I fear isolation. I dread being alone. I believe that people are meant to be with at least one other person in order to truly live. Of course I believe that we should also have an “alone time” every now and then. I save it for my “bathroom moments” whereas I sit on my throne and analyze my life or whatever situation I am in. That moment is already enough for me. I can already get in touch with myself and sort out my own feelings and ideas in a number of minutes I spend on that throne.

                I’m not a hyper social butterfly that flies from one group of friends to another. I can even leave unnoticed inside a room full of people. I’m not remarkable. I do not initiate conversations unless really bored, or needed. I don’t have the talent of being able to talk and talk about anything and everything that exists or we imagine exists. Most of the times, I depict myself boring to talk to for not being able to relate to most of the topics. I don’t have a lot to say about certain subjects and my mind flutters from one idea to another, which makes me hard to comprehend. So sometimes I just choose to shut up instead of share something from my scattered brain.

                So, welcome to my life. The life of a creature yearning to be surrounded by people, but doesn’t have the characteristics to be such.

Amag #3: PS I Love You

P.S. I Love You made me cry again. Well, nearly made me cry, since I was watching with my house mate. But the first time I watched it, I really cried A LOT! I think I would’ve blubbered again if only I was not with somebody else. I just can’t imagine a life without that someone you love so much. That’s actually one of my biggest fears. To be married to the best guy I’ve ever met and then have him taken away from me. Forever. You know, death is just different. It’s cruel. Well, my Christian faith dictates that it should not be interpreted that way. Instead, we should always remember that it’s just the body that dies but the soul remains with God and that that person is already in a happier place after he/she leaves Earth. I wish it could be that simple. It’s not that I’ve already experienced being left by someone who died. I’ve never been. But I know how hard it is to be left by someone, for whatsoever reason. That alone hurts really badly. How much more can you get over the fact that you can’t have him/her anymore no matter what you do? What hurts more is the fact that you’ve already imagined spending the rest of your damned life with that person. Actually, that’s not the worst. What hurts most is the verity that you’ve already had a taste of that life that you’ve imagined. 

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UPDATE: I can't remember P.S. I Love You!!! It's in my Favorite Movies list but heck, I can't remember a thing! BRB watching trailer to refresh memory.

Amag #2: Unsent Break-up Letter

We met again today. It’s the same strange feeling. How can we be this close yet so far? We’ve spent more than a couple of years together but we’re still strangers to each other. I can’t be myself to you because I know you don’t like the real me. Yes, maybe you accept me. But it’s different from being appreciated for who I am. I like you. I just don’t like how you treat me. I would’ve understood if I’m just your friend. But it’s different. I’m expecting more from you. And I have the right to do so. It’s harder when we’re with other couples. I could see how they treat each other. How they look at each other and understand each other without words. Then I look at you, and I look at me. There’s no us. Have we been like this ever since? Will we be like this forever? I am aware that that is the real you. You’re not sweet. You’re not showy. I don’t have any problem with that, I swear. The problem is, I don’t think I want to be with that kind of guy forever. I need something else in a relationship, something that is not yours. It’s neither your fault nor mine. We’re just two magnets with the same poles. We’re repelling each other. Of course I’m not sure if I want to live without you. Worse, if I can. I love your friends, your family, and your wit. The thing is, I think I NEED to live without you. We need to let ourselves find the person who fits well in our lives. It’s hard. Especially after we’ve shared so much of our lives to each other, and believed that we may be the one for each other. At least I believed in that. See, I can’t even confidently declare that you love me and you want me to be with you for the rest of your life. You can say that it’s just all in my head. That I’m making up dramatic scenes derived from whatever cheap teleseryes I watch. But you know, I will not feel this way if you’re making me feel otherwise. I’m sorry if I’m not that self-assured woman that can understand your apathy. I need a constant assurance that you love me and want me in your life; an appreciation for who I am; GROWTH. That’s what we’re missing. We’re not helping each other grow. We’ve been together for two and a half years and we still haven’t inspired or pushed each other to be the best individuals that we can be. Yes, growth is what’s missing. And if I can’t have it with you, then I think I’ll need to find it on my own. Who knows? Maybe without me, you can find yours too. 

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UPDATE: We're still together up to now. And... we're now growing together. We still have some issues. I to him, he to me. But we're hanging in there.

Amag #1: HS Letters

as i scurried through my old documents to search for my high school diploma, i stumbled upon letters written by my friends in high school. these are heart-warming letters that came from people who i barely, others never, talk to nowadays. reading those makes me feel sad and sentimental. our letters talk about eternal friendship and now, we have all drifted apart. so apart that i cant even imagine now that we actually became that close. i already forgot the secrets that we promised not to forget. i already forgot that i was once the dependable, wise, conservative, caring and loving kind of person that they were describing in the letters. i dont remember them anymore in the favorite songs that we wrote. we said, whenever we hear those songs, we'll remember each other. heck, knowing that i liked those kinds of songs makes my stomach hurt from laughing.

six to ten years since high school, here i am. a whole lot different from who i used to be. the people, the dreams, the attitude, have all been washed up and replaced with new ones. some better, some worse. now, i surely will reflect upon the question "what/who/where will you be five years from now" in a different way. i always thought that five years is such a short time to be someone entirely different. i always thought that five years is a reasonable time to achieve what you have set to achieve. well, it looks like we cant really hold our life that long, or set our vision that far. but hey, that is just so pessimistic. i would still love to believe, and act for it to be real, that the change that will be me five years from now, will be for the best. no matter how different it will be.

I've written a bunch of randomness that has been stuck in my laptop for ages! I'll be posting them here to free up some space and will be called Amag. Inaamag na sa laptop.

She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

She's lonely. That sickening feeling that you get when you eat something soiled? That's nothing compared to what she feels. She's just there. Not alone. But definitely lonely. She's with tons of people. Laughing, dancing, crazy. But she's far, far away.

She wants to be with him. To ease the loneliness away. But will he cure her? Or is his absence just an excuse for feeling this way? An excuse for something unexplainable. Because even when he's there, Mr. Loneliness still creeps in.

And it's terrifying. It's terrifying to know that no person can save her from the fangs of loneliness. It's ugly. She's ugly. And lonely.

Bucket List of Things I'll Buy...

once I get a job and earn lotsa money:

1. A camera!!! It seems like there's at least a 1:1 ratio of camera and family. I feel like my family's the only one in the planet who doesn't have a camera (at least within our SES group). Not to jump into the "photography bandwagon" but documenting your life's events is actually something practical and worth spending time, money, and effort on.
 
Sony DSC-J10/L  -  16.1 Mega Pixels  -  4x Optical Zoom 4GB Internal memory -  Sweep Panorama  -  2.7" Clear Photo LCD Screen -  Intelligent Auto Mode

2. A smartphone. Everyone who knows me well would know how much I LOVE cellphones. I used to change phones from time to time but since times are tough now, I can't afford to do that anymore. But I still keep myself educated about the latest in mobile phone from time to time. And right now, I'm setting my eye to the new Samsung Galaxy Nexus. It's awesome!!! It got the latest Android OS, v4.0 (Ice Cream Sandwich) which is made to match its Dual-core 1.2GHz Cortex-A9 CPU. So, virtually, it really should be FAST! Man, I would really really love to lay my hands on that stiff, sexy thing.
Samsung Galaxy Nexus


3. An aircon. Actually, we should have our house renovated first before we can use this in our room. My brother and I's room (Yes, we share the same bedroom. We're losers like that.) is a box! There's no window. Technically, there are windows. But the windows go out to another room so still, no fresh air comes through. And that, my friend, is also the reason why we can't install an AC there. It's like hell!!! Specially during summer! If you think it's hot where you are right now, wait til you get to our room. No kidding. Sometimes I feel like I just pass out when I sleep.

4. Bathroom. It's not something that I would BUY, but it's something I want to save up on. I want to have our bathroom floor (and walls, too) re-tiled. The tiles are so small so the dirt seeps through the gaps between the tiles and it irritates me. It looks so messy. I want big tiles in the bathroom. And colors! Also, I would want our bathroom installed with hot and cold shower. Actually, I want a hotel-like bathroom. I dunno. It just feels like I'm suddenly developing an OC-ness in bathrooms. Gahd! These pictures are to die for!

 

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Sooo... There you go! These should serve as my INSPIRATION. I've gotta work hard. Be the BEST. So I can splurge on these things and more. CAN'T WAIT TO BE RICH!!! ^__^

Cheers to high hopes and higher optimism!