Amag #4: One-winged butterfly

                Here I am again, being drawn in solitude by the four corners of my room. I see the filthy floor and feel disgusted by it but I’m too languid to make any move, much more to excrete perspiration by cleaning the surface. It could be because of the frazzling heat, or the fact that I’m all alone, that makes me cull the idea of any movement.

                Though some people rejoice in isolation and trust that it is vital in one’s life, I feel the opposite. I fear isolation. I dread being alone. I believe that people are meant to be with at least one other person in order to truly live. Of course I believe that we should also have an “alone time” every now and then. I save it for my “bathroom moments” whereas I sit on my throne and analyze my life or whatever situation I am in. That moment is already enough for me. I can already get in touch with myself and sort out my own feelings and ideas in a number of minutes I spend on that throne.

                I’m not a hyper social butterfly that flies from one group of friends to another. I can even leave unnoticed inside a room full of people. I’m not remarkable. I do not initiate conversations unless really bored, or needed. I don’t have the talent of being able to talk and talk about anything and everything that exists or we imagine exists. Most of the times, I depict myself boring to talk to for not being able to relate to most of the topics. I don’t have a lot to say about certain subjects and my mind flutters from one idea to another, which makes me hard to comprehend. So sometimes I just choose to shut up instead of share something from my scattered brain.

                So, welcome to my life. The life of a creature yearning to be surrounded by people, but doesn’t have the characteristics to be such.

Amag #3: PS I Love You

P.S. I Love You made me cry again. Well, nearly made me cry, since I was watching with my house mate. But the first time I watched it, I really cried A LOT! I think I would’ve blubbered again if only I was not with somebody else. I just can’t imagine a life without that someone you love so much. That’s actually one of my biggest fears. To be married to the best guy I’ve ever met and then have him taken away from me. Forever. You know, death is just different. It’s cruel. Well, my Christian faith dictates that it should not be interpreted that way. Instead, we should always remember that it’s just the body that dies but the soul remains with God and that that person is already in a happier place after he/she leaves Earth. I wish it could be that simple. It’s not that I’ve already experienced being left by someone who died. I’ve never been. But I know how hard it is to be left by someone, for whatsoever reason. That alone hurts really badly. How much more can you get over the fact that you can’t have him/her anymore no matter what you do? What hurts more is the fact that you’ve already imagined spending the rest of your damned life with that person. Actually, that’s not the worst. What hurts most is the verity that you’ve already had a taste of that life that you’ve imagined. 

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UPDATE: I can't remember P.S. I Love You!!! It's in my Favorite Movies list but heck, I can't remember a thing! BRB watching trailer to refresh memory.

Amag #2: Unsent Break-up Letter

We met again today. It’s the same strange feeling. How can we be this close yet so far? We’ve spent more than a couple of years together but we’re still strangers to each other. I can’t be myself to you because I know you don’t like the real me. Yes, maybe you accept me. But it’s different from being appreciated for who I am. I like you. I just don’t like how you treat me. I would’ve understood if I’m just your friend. But it’s different. I’m expecting more from you. And I have the right to do so. It’s harder when we’re with other couples. I could see how they treat each other. How they look at each other and understand each other without words. Then I look at you, and I look at me. There’s no us. Have we been like this ever since? Will we be like this forever? I am aware that that is the real you. You’re not sweet. You’re not showy. I don’t have any problem with that, I swear. The problem is, I don’t think I want to be with that kind of guy forever. I need something else in a relationship, something that is not yours. It’s neither your fault nor mine. We’re just two magnets with the same poles. We’re repelling each other. Of course I’m not sure if I want to live without you. Worse, if I can. I love your friends, your family, and your wit. The thing is, I think I NEED to live without you. We need to let ourselves find the person who fits well in our lives. It’s hard. Especially after we’ve shared so much of our lives to each other, and believed that we may be the one for each other. At least I believed in that. See, I can’t even confidently declare that you love me and you want me to be with you for the rest of your life. You can say that it’s just all in my head. That I’m making up dramatic scenes derived from whatever cheap teleseryes I watch. But you know, I will not feel this way if you’re making me feel otherwise. I’m sorry if I’m not that self-assured woman that can understand your apathy. I need a constant assurance that you love me and want me in your life; an appreciation for who I am; GROWTH. That’s what we’re missing. We’re not helping each other grow. We’ve been together for two and a half years and we still haven’t inspired or pushed each other to be the best individuals that we can be. Yes, growth is what’s missing. And if I can’t have it with you, then I think I’ll need to find it on my own. Who knows? Maybe without me, you can find yours too. 

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UPDATE: We're still together up to now. And... we're now growing together. We still have some issues. I to him, he to me. But we're hanging in there.