Amag #5: Christianity

                Yesterday, I was invited by Aga’s friends to go to the Church with them. I was asking God to take me back, make me His disciple again, so I thought maybe this is God moving. So I joined them. The Church is in UN Avenue. It was an old cinema house which was transformed into a Church. I was surprised to see a lot of youth there. I’ve been to CCF, to Victory, and to other churches but this is the first time that I’ve seen a huge percentage of participants aged 16 to 25. It’s not a youth service. It’s open to all ages but about 97% of the attendees are youth.

While in the service, I was asking myself if these are real Christians. I’ve always believed that young people are the ones most vulnerable to sinning. We are the ones surrounded by temptations and most curious to try new and bad things. I’ve always believed that being a Christian, a true devoted Christian, is not suitable for teens or young adults. Based from experience, we are not yet geared up to leave our life behind for Jesus. There are just a lot of things to try and to learn from. It feels like life won’t be complete without letting ourselves be exposed and open to all things.

Maybe that’s what’s keeping me from giving my life back to Christ. I’ve been very devoted to Him before and I was happy during those times, but a part of me wants to try things. A part of me wants to break free from all of the restrictions of God’s Word. I understand that these boundaries are for my own sake and that these are made not to harm me, but to give me an enjoyable life. Yet sometimes, I also feel the urge to put myself in danger.

I know I am bad. I’m unworthy of any calling, grace, blessing, or anything that God would give me. On the other hand, I still need a God during this time of carefreeness and carelessness. I still need someone to praise for the good things that I’ve been experiencing, someone to ask forgiveness to whenever I know I did something wrong, someone to talk to and beg for grace whenever I encounter something that I can’t do on my own.

I still want and need God. I’ll always will. I just can’t devote my life to Him yet. I know it is unfair for Him. One thing is for sure though; I’ll go back to only Him when I’m ready. And so this is my prayer, “God please make me ready. Please make me want only You in my life. Make my life be more of You and less of me. Forgive me if I can’t give up things in my life now yet. But please don’t give up on me. Make my life a journey that leads to only You."

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UPDATE: I am still not a Christian. I tried going back to Church, but after some time I just stop. I go back again, and then stop all of a sudden. It's a cycle. I am getting exposed to a lot of things, a lot of ideals and it's making me question the truth of Christian's God. I mean, Jesus Christ and God the Father could exist. But I question if they really are the true God that should be worshipped. Oh, I'm bad. Really bad. This is blasphemy. I am just so confused right now. Deep in my heart, I want to go back to Church. Sometimes though, I question my intent. Sometimes I feel like I just want to go back in order to belong. In order to have people around me.

Amag #4: One-winged butterfly

                Here I am again, being drawn in solitude by the four corners of my room. I see the filthy floor and feel disgusted by it but I’m too languid to make any move, much more to excrete perspiration by cleaning the surface. It could be because of the frazzling heat, or the fact that I’m all alone, that makes me cull the idea of any movement.

                Though some people rejoice in isolation and trust that it is vital in one’s life, I feel the opposite. I fear isolation. I dread being alone. I believe that people are meant to be with at least one other person in order to truly live. Of course I believe that we should also have an “alone time” every now and then. I save it for my “bathroom moments” whereas I sit on my throne and analyze my life or whatever situation I am in. That moment is already enough for me. I can already get in touch with myself and sort out my own feelings and ideas in a number of minutes I spend on that throne.

                I’m not a hyper social butterfly that flies from one group of friends to another. I can even leave unnoticed inside a room full of people. I’m not remarkable. I do not initiate conversations unless really bored, or needed. I don’t have the talent of being able to talk and talk about anything and everything that exists or we imagine exists. Most of the times, I depict myself boring to talk to for not being able to relate to most of the topics. I don’t have a lot to say about certain subjects and my mind flutters from one idea to another, which makes me hard to comprehend. So sometimes I just choose to shut up instead of share something from my scattered brain.

                So, welcome to my life. The life of a creature yearning to be surrounded by people, but doesn’t have the characteristics to be such.

Amag #3: PS I Love You

P.S. I Love You made me cry again. Well, nearly made me cry, since I was watching with my house mate. But the first time I watched it, I really cried A LOT! I think I would’ve blubbered again if only I was not with somebody else. I just can’t imagine a life without that someone you love so much. That’s actually one of my biggest fears. To be married to the best guy I’ve ever met and then have him taken away from me. Forever. You know, death is just different. It’s cruel. Well, my Christian faith dictates that it should not be interpreted that way. Instead, we should always remember that it’s just the body that dies but the soul remains with God and that that person is already in a happier place after he/she leaves Earth. I wish it could be that simple. It’s not that I’ve already experienced being left by someone who died. I’ve never been. But I know how hard it is to be left by someone, for whatsoever reason. That alone hurts really badly. How much more can you get over the fact that you can’t have him/her anymore no matter what you do? What hurts more is the fact that you’ve already imagined spending the rest of your damned life with that person. Actually, that’s not the worst. What hurts most is the verity that you’ve already had a taste of that life that you’ve imagined. 

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UPDATE: I can't remember P.S. I Love You!!! It's in my Favorite Movies list but heck, I can't remember a thing! BRB watching trailer to refresh memory.